Rough Night

Tonight was not my finest hour.

I've been feeling some stress lately for a number of personal reasons, and concerned about others I care about who have had recent difficulties of their own, so I guess it finally just got to me. I found myself screaming at my seven year old while he was in the shower. It's a very particular brand of guilt you get to enjoy immediately after you've watched a kid with a sweet disposition tremble as you bellow at him in an intentionally deep, angry voice while his head is full of shampoo and the water is raining down on him. Oh, and did I mention my three year old daughter crying outside the bathroom door because I had escorted her out and closed it behind me? Seconds before, when I first started yelling at him she was hitting my thighs shouting "Bad Daddy!" I'm so proud.

Like an angel, a good friend and neighbor called shortly afterward and helped me put things into perspective. I had already apologized to him, and a problem remains with his recent behavior pattern (he's at the stage where he's constantly distracted, argues incessantly and forgets - or ignores - what you tell him to do before the ring of your voice has faded in the air.) But the more important point is that I acted in a way that was beneath me, him and that I don't want to model for my children. Mistake made, lesson learned. But still, I don't want to repeat it.

After he was out of the shower we needed to go back over his homework before he went to bed and fix some of the mistakes he made. One of his assignments was to write about an insect he chose to study. He picked the dragonfly. I read his little essay and thought more about the dragonfly, and it gave me some comfort and helped ease me a bit out of the guilt I can easily become consumed with when I've hurt someone I love.

Like the dragonfly, my children are beautiful, and the more deeply you look, the more beautiful they are. And though they may appear delicate, they are surprisingly strong.

That's good to remember about ourselves as well. Sometimes we have to be tested to remind ourselves of that all-important fact.

My goal for tomorrow, like the we agreed he'd aim for as I kissed him goodnight tonight, is to do a little bit better tomorrow.

And that's enough.